My Deaf identity.. how?

I didn't know what Deaf identity was because I haven't been into Deaf commmunity very much. Apart from PHU school, I always with hearing community such as Scouts, football club, hearing friends. I knew I was different from them because of hearing and communication. Honestly I really thought hearing people are automatically clever than Deaf people. I didn't believe Deaf people can become a doctor, social worker, teacher, pilot, manager. I didn't remember that I used BSL in front of Scouts members or football players because I was ashamed. You may be surprised but I sometime wish I could speak like my Deaf friends was once oral users (they are now flunet BSL users and happy being Deaf, unfortunately their English is much worser than mine).


I remember one of my Deaf friends blamed me for their poor English because I innocently taught him BSL when I was 12. I apparently blamed BSL for failing English. Even my hearing teacher explained that I should speak more than using BSL. I was thinking, she was right, I should speak but I was scared because I really enjoyed using BSL at mainstream with CSW which was only for me, not 4 other deaf oral students. But I was forced to use SSE which I was very uncomfortable. We used SSE for GCSE - oral English. They signed quite faster than me. I signed SSE very slowly because I was very uncomfortable. But I passed better result than them! Wow! Even I passed oral German better too, I used my voice! Actually I was so shitting myself because I didnt ususally use my voice in front of hearing people. But it was good result! Even I was rarely taught to speak which was good!


I was bullied by hearing children like they were making funny faces (tongue in cheeks), silly gestures and shouting at my back, turn around and noticed them, they laughed and thumb up. Other pupls saw them and told me what they were doing. I was really hurted but I wasn't standing up for myself. I never told my teacher, knowing them they wouldn't believe me. Why? because I always got into trouble. One worst thing happened to me was I was verbally racist abused by a pupil boy saying 'black b*stards'. My hearing friend told me that. So I head-butted that boy and he fell. He complained to the teacher. She asked me why and I explained but between the teacher and a pupils' long conversation to leave me out. She punished only me not that boy. I cried and cried alot because CSW wasn't there. There were always misunderstood when it comes to communication. Also hearing pupils laughed at me because my English was poor, maybe it was a nerve thing but it knocked my confidence down.


When I finished school, I came into proper Deaf world was Derby college (it was Open days, I chosen Bradford college) I met alot of Deaf people who uses flunet BSL and very happy. I rarely hugged hearing people because we were fake friends or not talking alot. But I hugged alot of Deaf people like family. I felt so good. Some of Deaf people told story everything about Deaf people's achievement that I didn't believed. I thought they might lie because I really thought Deaf people who speak are better than Deaf BSL users.


That's how I realised I like being myself when I was with Deaf people (Deaf community. I always was patient when communication broken down with hearing community because I was taught to not let it out. Yes I was into alot of trouble when I was younger.


When I travelled around the UK, meet Deaf people to improve my BSL quicker than before. I was much happier. I dated some of hearing girls, asked them to gather Deaf community but they were scared. I respected that but I lost fond of them. I met my exes' hearing people, it was soooooo isolation. I was unhappy. I tried to gesture alot but so tiring. I even brought my friend who were quite good at speak/lipreading but hearing easily lost patience with repeating and slow communication. What a waste learning oral education from know-how experts' advices!


Honestly I was against Deaf activism because I got the picture of riots and arrogant speaks etc. I even see any (hearing or Deaf) activist as troublemakers. But I support BSL as Deaf education are still failing without BSL, so I went to London for BSL march, so nice and calm. But the government igroned that. We need more media attention. Most of Deaf activists blocked the road, I was thinking, no way I can do it because of my skin, I easily can be arrested. But a few years, I joined a groups to block the road for recognising BSL in the UK because I started to broaden my mind. Other protest, I blocked the road opposite Westminister. I was shitting myself but I felt so right. It was non-violent. So I am a Deaf activist now, I don't believe in violent protest. Deaf Power Now


I was about 17, I was shocked with myself when I read Deaf people's excellent written English, exact level as hearing's written skill but not speaking. That's how I realised oralism was not good. I looked back, I agreed with teachers about the oral education, I blamed myself alot for not using oral. I was foolish. At the moment, I see alot of oral users (hearing wannabe) look down at us, Im sorry for them because we are only human.


I started to broaden my mind with Deaf history like Milan 1880 and oppression etc.

It wasn't until I got to Preston university that I finally realised what Deaf identity is. It's as if I opened up to myself and discovered what was missing. From the past, I never looked back and I really love being in the Deaf community and us being together like a family.


At the moment, I still am self-taught - written English and different sign languages because Deaf education failed me by hearing teachers with no knowledge of BSL called SSE, lack of Deaf awareness and not enough Deaf role models.

At the moment, I see many Deaf children like me in West Yorkshire.

That's why I want them to be proud of themsevles, not negative thought about BSL, Deafness or Deafhood. It can lead them to be stubborn attitude toward BSL.


Deaf identity is not just about the militant mentality, it is about individual.


I am soo proud to have a Deaf identity!